God, MDMA, and the journey

Life is a series of lessons and hardships, an agglomeration of learning experiences that lead one along their ultimate path. It is a journey that we all must take—there is commonality in the struggle of every person, be it in the striving to belong, the desire to know and be known, or the claiming of autonomy and agency. It is non-iterative, irrevocable, a winding ascension of spirit into the realm of destiny.

What is it that makes breathing and waking meaningful in a callous world filled with pain? An existential crisis stems from a deep wanting, from the innate desire for light to enter the bleakest corners of one’s conscious exploration. Life is but a game—a sometimes complex and often challenging one—in which its players have no choice but to participate. Famed musician Father John Misty refers to this as pure comedy.¹ Puny caricatures hold places of high office, “governing” with whimsical desperation; our youth subsist through the lens of a computer, a vast library of knowledge stored away in their pockets; time, our most valuable asset, is traded away for dollars spent to further extend rampant materialism and exuberance. Sometimes, it just does not make sense.² Yet here we are, stuck inside an intricate system, toiling away our precious lives just to make them bearable.

We are programmed by culture to be and think a certain way, to morph into cookie-cutter pieces of a preordained puzzle. We hope that if we suffer long enough through the dreadful status-quo, we will be rewarded a spot in the elite—a seat at the table of serenity. Many work an unfulfilling job their entire lives just to retire old and weathered, their bodies beyond the point of deterioration. Some are born into wealth, never raising a finger to make ends meet, and they too find themselves miserable and alone unless higher-level actualization is found.

This experiential dread is a valid reason to use drugs. Substance usage provides a viable means of modulation, allowing users to drastically alter their inner and outer worlds. Mundane turns to adventure, intolerable to pleasurable, raw to smooth. Certain drugs provide a uniquely palatable ascension into the formless void of non-polarity, a place where there is no right and wrong, no good and evil, just waves of abstract, electric information. It is no surprise that many get addicted, not just to drugs but to mood-altering behaviors, anything to soothe the razor sharp edges of reality. I do not condone the use of drugs or any activity as a means of escape—the impermanence can only lead to more longing, more usage, and inevitably, more suffering. Their prominence is, however, telling. What are we to do, if not to use drugs and harmful behaviors, to survive our time here on earth?

Many strive to just get by, perhaps unknowing of another way—I did for a long time. Some push through the week to get loaded on the weekend, a destructive but tangible incentive, only to nurture a wounded body and soul on “comedown Sunday.” This brings to mind my past dabbling with MDMA, an empathogenic stimulant drug that creates an indescribable state of perfect euphoria. I first found the substance 7 years ago, and truthfully, it changed my life. I had just regained a normal weight, dropping nearly 100lbs in under a year simply from cutting out alcohol. My body had been destroyed for so long in such an extreme way—I did not know how to love myself. Even looking in the mirror was a struggle in the latter days of my binge-drinking. Being under the influence of MDMA was the polar opposite. Abruptly, I was absolutely brimming with self-love and compassion, my explosive pupils staring inwards, into my true self, stripped down of all prior conditioning, naked in the eyes of creation. For the first time in my adult life, I was mentally free. I had broken out from the fortified prison of self-abuse and hatred that had housed me so strictly. MDMA offers its user a genuine glimpse of God, a taste of what enlightenment must feel like, and ever since that first time, that magical headspace has been engrained in my memory. This mystical chemical generates a felt state of safety, groundedness, authenticity and connection, like being plugged into a ethereal source of personal power and love.

Despite the incredible times one can have using MDMA, it comes at a cost. The drug is hard on the body, particularly so on the brain. Harm reduction is a non-negotiable while using it, something I found out in unfortunate fashion after countless times “rolling.”³ When coming down, there can be an incessant urge to re-dose, a natural impulse as one descends back into dull normalcy. The day after can be miserable if too much is ingested—MDMA burns through serotonergic resources and can result in a nasty depression, sometimes lasting up to a week.⁴ MDMA addiction is an awful thing—sessions should be spaced out by at least 3 months to avoid negative consequences; regardless, still some become dependent, quickly depleting essential brain nutrients and possibly leading to psychosis or neurological damage.

All that said, an MDMA-like experience is one that all humans should have the chance to have. It is so profound that it has found its way into the world of psychiatry. MAPS (Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies), for example, has pushed for years to legitimize MDMA-assisted psychotherapy as a treatment method for PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). On this matter, they have completed a phase-3 trial of human-based research, administering MDMA to “approximately 1,700 human subjects with only one serious adverse reaction.”⁵ I can attest to its efficacy in treating trauma. In my experimentation days, I had only just begun to understand mental health and trauma and I identified strongly with the condition of PTSD, eventually getting an official diagnosis, and MDMA was by-far the most effective means of both exploring and beginning to heal. It induces an almost child-like state of purity and wonder, melting away the walls of traumatic manifestation, allowing for direct access to one’s core being—the angry, hurt inner child in us all—so that it can be heard and seen and ultimately mended. Furthermore, its positive affect is not fleeting—I attribute a great deal of foundational healing work to MDMA, and I say that as a man in recovery from addiction. I hold specific drugs above others—ketamine is another example—and I see their usage in a therapeutic, professional-led setting to be well-aligned with rehabilitation, a view that many others are starting to carry as the new era of mental health treatment modalities dawns upon us.

We cannot depend on psychoactive chemicals like MDMA for our freedom, however. That is simply not possible. Some will opt out of trying them at all, even with a licensed guide, and thus we find ourselves up against a dilemma. Here lies an experience of utter profundity with the potential to induce life-changing shifts in perspective and wellness, but it comes with the risk of serious consequence—illegality, physical danger, and stigmatization, for example. There must be some alternative that can offer people a similar vital expedition without the intake of a drug. I hypothesize that the answer to this mediation can be found through conscious contact with God. This is the well-trodden approach in 12-step programs and other spirituality-based groups—to develop and nurture a relationship with God, as you understand it.

What, or who, is God, then? This question has fractured communities for as long as humankind has walked and talked, a divisive pondering which has illuminated the minds of countless thinker-types. In my own framework of belief, as it stands, God is all that is—an isolated system with an infinitely large geometric boundary—a divine paradox.⁶ I see this God system to be analogous to a conscious brain, operating on the highest-possible order that is, diffusive on a global scale with elements of chaos locally. Although envisioned in 3D, yielding to the capacity of my own brain, I postulate that God may exist in higher-rank geometry; potentially, the overarching God state could operate in infinite-rank geometry—a concept totally unimaginable to us yet possible in a theoretical sense based on abstract mathematics.

Within the God system, there is probably an unfathomable level of complexity. For example, existence as we view it could be just one of infinite layers that comprise all of God. Even if we are in a simulation, stored away in a data bank of some supremely intelligent race, there would be an encapsulating, permeable system boundary that separates that world from whatever wraps around it. Similarly, within our own world there could exist sub-worlds that we are not even aware of, perhaps at the infinitely small-scale. Each layer could be “God” in its own right, powerful yet dominated by the subsequent layer. Maybe, it is not this complicated and the reality we humans know is the only layer, and our “simulated” essence makes up the entirety of God.⁷ The inner components of the God system are arbitrary, however; for practical usage, a simplistic shell-model will suffice, while the exact mechanisms of the inside can remain illusive—worth investigating should opportunity arise but not a requirement. I attempted to create a visual that depicts this idea of the God system:

The systems approach to understanding reality has long stimulated my curiosities. The world is filled with systems—our organs, our bodies, and our homes are all space-occupying systems, each with a distinct boundary that separates inner and outer contents. In thermodynamics, the study of heat transfer, systems are viewed as either open, closed, or isolated:

Open system: both mass and heat transfer can occur.

Closed system: heat transfer can occur but mass transfer cannot.

Isolated system: no mass or heat transfer can occur.

As mentioned, the overall system of God in this theory is isolated, something that does not occur exactly in nature, as we know it—an idealized scenario.⁸ It encapsulates absolutely everything, meaning that nothing is outside of it; thus, no mass or energy transfer occurs across its boundary. To conceptualize this idea is a striking predicament, naturally so within the confines of our humanness, and the notion of higher-rank geometry makes this even harder. Herein lies the paradox—a seeming truth that defies logic. I envision this infinite boundary to close inwards upon itself, somehow—a topological quandary.

All of this satisfies an intellectual itch, but the question remains: how can we apply faith in such a model to enhance our own life and circumvent the impervious, suffocating nature of everyday life? This is the groundwork—something that has come to my attention only in recent times, after years of either fighting against or being unknowingly guided by God. 12-step programs work in part through encouraging members to align their wills and their lives with that of a higher power—upon doing so, wild promises regarding the wonderous potential of life begin to come to fruition. Assuming that God exists as a conscious entity in form of a system, the inner components which assist God’s inherent agenda are destined to by nourished and supported by that system.

The universe truly works in strange and wonderful ways; apparently, based on analysis of my own lived history, God can rearrange pieces of itself to enact necessary change, orchestrating a complicated array of dynamic movement to advance the physical and spiritual growth of inhabiting souls. I have witnessed this power enough times to truly believe. Details of this theory may be flawed, but fundamentally, there are particular things that are known purely through experience, impossible to refute once beyond a threshold of perception, and at some point in the past few years I crossed that line and stepped into an amazing world of possibility. In harmony with God, one’s life suddenly takes on color—they are no longer plagued by existential meaninglessness, no longer doomed to just survive.⁹ Achievability becomes unlimited. The system of God is, in a sense, an organic artform, and it thrives on the evolution of its expressible beauty, done through the medium of life.

Conforming one’s actions and thinking to the narrative of God, or any higher power, can pull one’s life out from the brutality of faithless living, into the domain of ecstasy. I believe that the sensation felt while rolling on MDMA is fully attainable through this methodology. The more in-tune with God one is, the more brilliant inner love and joy they will feel. A dear friend of mine is well-connected to the spirit of the universe; he has spoken of living in such a conscious state. It is doable but requires a deep level of surrender, an intimate trust in a system outside of body and mind. It also requires work and commitment—to decipher the will of God, one must have accurate perception—a connected state of being amongst a community of God-bearing individuals.

Another concept to consider is the spiritual law of economy, stating that happenings occur for multiple, integrated purposes, a facet I have also witnessed that elucidates the incredible power and complexity of the God system. Hardship can destroy us, rendering us hopeless and immobilized; however, faith can pull us through anything, assigning significance to even the darkest of days. Looking backwards, I can ascribe intertwined meaning to terrible life events, an infused tortuosity that is far too sophisticated to be derived by chance. Statistics surely play a role—I alluded to “local chaos” earlier, referring to the impact of free-will on small-scale parts of the overall system; diffusivity, however, the assimilated tendency of God to correct itself and shift as need dictates, governs the majority of transfiguration. This is how I presently see it, and I implore all of my readers to assess this with criticality and come to their own conclusions, hopefully ones that assist in the betterment of their lives. Exactly what you need, when you need it can be granted in devotion to God. Life can certainly be an extreme and harsh setting, but there is light in the heart of conviction—a glow of optimism that burns furiously as those warming themselves around it become permeated by its energy.

1. I highly recommend checking out the album Pure Comedy from Father John Misty. It is a wonderful commentary of society and humanity. You can find it for purchase here or listen on any streaming platform.

2. The hit 90s television series Seinfeld captures the absurdity of life well. The reason it was so popular is that it takes the boring and normal parts of living and superimposes bizarre scenarios. It is oftentimes surreal, crafting an essence of hilarity through the wacky chronicles of jaded, flawed and relatable individuals.

3. An entire post could be devoted to harm reduction and MDMA, but for starters, I would refer any potential users to rollsafe.org for the basics. MDMA causes urinary retention and a common danger for novices lies in consuming too much water while rolling. Because it is easy to get hot while on MDMA, users naturally think to drink more and more water. However, because the body is not getting rid of fluids at a normal rate, its electrolyte balance can fall out of homeostasis. Hyponatremia could and does occur, where sodium levels become diluted and blood concentrations fall out of the normal range. I have had some frightening times rolling alone and encountering this problem, prior to understanding it, and this is the most important piece of advice I can offer new users of MDMA. Conditions like hyponatremia can kill you quickly.

4. There are workaround to the comedown, of course, the most prominent being to stay within the recommended dosages (see website in footnote 3). Supplements can also be utilized before, during and after, which lessens the hangover.

5. Quote taken from this webpage.

6. In this post, when I refer to infinity, I mean the “infinite infinity”, or the “largest” possible meaning of infinity. A documentary titled A Trip to Infinity demonstrates the basis of multiple infinities, and I recommend anyone interested in mathematics and metaphysics to watch it.

7. One could denote this as the base-case and build a working theory of the internal mechanisms from there. In this case, our known reality is the only one, and we are “simulated” parts of the overall God system. This includes both physical and spiritual existence, bodies and the souls that inhabit them, everything summing up to God.

8. There is such thing as an adiabatic vessel, which is designed to minimize heat and mass transfer, but in reality there will always be some heat exchange with the outer system, other than in the theoretical case of God outlined here.

9. This idea applies not only to God as all that is, but to any higher power, as is utilized in 12-step fellowships. Any power greater than oneself takes up more energy in the overall systematic framework, and thus aligning with it, even if it is not the ultimate God, per say, would harmonize the energy of the system with the energy of the higher power. In line with this theory, doing so would mean that the person is supported in whatever way possible by their higher power so long as their motives remain in agreement with the “narrative” of said power. However, I would hypothesize further that the “greater” the higher power, or the more portion of total energy that the higher power is composed of, relative to the entire system, the greater the potential for life enhancement in the mortal individual who aligns with it.

Photo credit (minus the God system diagram, which was created by the author using Inkscape): Nathan Dumloa, Unsplash+, Unsplash+.