ground zero
God, speak through me.
I recited those words as I began this endeavor. I do the same, internally, as I sit in corners of 12-step meetings, anticipating my name to be called so that I can speak to the chosen topics. My hope, both here and in the rooms, is to truly reach another human being. To do so requires a sense of relatability, such that the words I craft resonate deeply with the inner landscapes of those who receive them. If my lived experience, morphed into prose, can be of service to even a tiny fraction of humanity, and I am able to create without overt detriment to myself, then it is moral, logical and wonderful to do so. My aim in creating this platform is not, however, entirely altruistic. It is an act of ownership and accountability, and a means of catharsis and growth. My healing journey has reached an impasse; I now seek to ascribe some level of meaning and clarity to the past, so that I may definitively leave it there and forge forward into a new existence. Life is beginning to show hints of a full-out blossom, but still lingers the haunting shadow of that which has transpired.
“The past is a grotesque animal, and in its eyes you see how completely wrong you can be.” - Kevin Barnes
Writing has always been a keen passion of mine. I have published in the realm of science, a singular study that has gained some traction since its inception, but otherwise my portfolio consists of course-work, grant applications and a large suitcase of journals. Although the days of that study were ones of perfectionism, hedonism, and naivety, I am content with what was published. Not enough, however, is that standalone wonder of novelty. I have a burning desire to establish myself as a well-rounded writer and researcher, to push my way into the fields of trauma science, spirituality, psychology and metaphysics. I believe that to be successful in these fields, one must have some foundation of relevant experience. I have long treated myself as a research project, diligently collecting data, formulating hypotheses and undergoing tests, both internally and externally. It is a striking challenge to remain objective when performing such analyses, but it is, in my opinion, possible and potentially necessary for the advancement of knowledge in subjects like consciousness and mental health. To perform such a study, one must be strictly integral, and for such a study to become accepted, one must prove themselves to be integral. It is tricky business to say the least, but a worthy venture to be taken. It is coming time for me to publish this self-research in some format, and at this point in the culture of science, work of this nature would struggle to be considered credible in a typical peer-reviewed journal. Descriptions of inner experience are subjective, right? Maybe, it is time to thoroughly shake up the popular paradigms of science as we know them, in order for it to truly flourish, to be reborn as useful. So many fields are absolutely flooded, often with low-quality research, making it very difficult to decipher important works from those conceived solely to satisfy the “publish or perish” notion. Society itself has also reached an impasse; we are sicker and more divided than ever, apparently tending towards some hellish equilibrium. We are programmed from birth to be and think such a way, but what if this way is in-fact unnatural?
“Just random matter, suspended in the dark. I hate to say it, but each other’s all we’ve got.” - Josh Tillman
Music is another deep passion of mine. It serves as fuel, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. It is near-impossible to put words to exactly what music is to me, the role and significance it plays in my life, in my survival, in my ambitions and in my very sanity. Music inspires me and keeps me safe in times of hardship. To be perfectly cliché, I truly do not know where I would be without it. Artists who have played a role in shaping me into who I am today include: the legendary, late Mac Miller, whose creative output during his short life was nothing less than excellence, the brilliant social- and interpersonal-commentator Father John Misty (Josh Tillman), who could melt any mortal heart with his impressive range and funky dance moves, the eccentric and beautifully bold Kevin Barnes, front-man and lyrical genius of cult-favorite of Montreal, and the deeply soulful Amy Winehouse, who could mesmerize any room with her uniquely palatable vocals. The list goes on and on, so it goes. The prospect of writing about these and other musicians excites me. I have invested time in getting to know their music, and a great deal of insight into topics such as trauma, spirituality and culture, the primary themes of Astral Projections, has been gained by doing so. To be frank, however, I really do not know what the overall design of this platform will be and I hope that you stick around to find out. It will indirectly chronicle my journey into recovery and will no doubt shift and reshape over time, as I do. I wish to heal and to develop my writing skills, and to do so means to get uncomfortable. We as humans are generally our own worst critics, but nevertheless the idea of opening up my inner world to a public audience is daunting. I hope to infuse some of my own memories and experience with theoretical dialogue, which will ideally allow for reflection, digestion and integration to occur.1 To understand the mechanistic nature of all things is my noble desire, and this publication is a means of exploration. Hopefully, you end up finding something here which sticks with you and becomes timeless wisdom that can carry you further into your own journey. That is the highest aspiration I can imagine.
“Unintegrated history is past; integrated history is presence.” - Thomas Hübl
Furthermore, I hope to inspire others to pursue their passions, no matter what, for life is undeniably finite and precious. We are all worthy of contentment, something sadly in short supply these days. The tides can shift, however; the ripple effect of changing ourselves is profoundly real. We can affect positive movement around us simply by being our best selves, by adapting a growth-mindset, and by opening our minds to concepts that may, upon first glance, seem foreign and metallic. In fact, we must do our part, if we are able. Many are not so fortunate.
Lastly, Astral Projections is an exercise in reducing my inherent need for perfection in my writing, and as such I will strive to publish a short, unpolished essay every week. I hope you enjoy reading them as much as I do writing them.
A process for individual trauma healing, posed by Thomas Hübl in his new book Attuned: Practicing Interdependence to Heal our Trauma- And our World (Sounds True 2023): reflection (spacious introspection), digestion (processing), and integration (upgrading of consciousness). p. 125. Quote used from same book p. 40.
Songs cited: of Montreal. “The Past is a Grotesque Animal.” Hissing Fauna, Are You The Destroyer? Polyvinyl Record Co., 2007, track 7. & Father John Misty. “Pure Comedy.” Pure Comedy, Subpop Records, 2017, track 1.